This morning at work was very slow. There were only a handful of customers for the first few hours we were awake, likely due to the time change that we had to endure today. 6:00am felt like 5:00am, after all.
I talked to my coworker about things going on in our lives. She’s expecting a baby brother, the first male sibling after 5 girls, the youngest being 16. She asked how I’ve been doing coping with the news that my uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and how he’s on his deathbed and doesn’t wish to be helped or saved. She asked about how I’ve been coping with my cousin’s suicide for the same reason back in September of 2013. I told her I’m struggling but I’m still alright. More than alright, in fact. I think while I was talking to her I realized that while giving someone the play-by-play on my life, the events are dark and grim, but I’m still above it. I’m not unhappy. I’m not doing great every day, but I’m going to bed every night with a smile. I know that I’ll still be okay and things will get better.
She asked if there’s anyone I talk to about these things, or if I keep the feelings to myself. I thought for a moment, and without hesitation I answered her. It didn’t take more than a second or two for me to know who’s been by my side. While I was working, I was thinking about that person again. Maybe he doesn’t realize how much he’s helped me overcome the things that have been thrown my way. I’m used to it overcoming serious and depressing matters without letting it sink me, but I’m also used to fighting the battle alone and silently.
So, I write the following in thanks…
I want to thank you, Johnny. For giving me a voice and not judging it when I speak up. You give me a friendship that I always thought was ideal but never knew I’d actually find. Thank you for the times that we’ve sit in each other’s silence, and the times that we’ve listened to each other and opened up doors that are never opened. Thank you for hearing my dark story and not giving me pity, but support; for understanding that I keep a strong front and a happy attitude, but that I’m still vulnerable; and thank you for being there for me. I can’t describe it but I want to do better for myself. I don’t find happiness solely in the things you’ve taught me and time we spend, but you make me realize it in myself. I find a lot of strength in myself when I talk to you. Maybe one day if you’re feeling at loss and need a reminder of how powerful of a person you are and how great you are, I’ll let you read this. But I want to put it out in the universe that I acknowledge and appreciate everything that you’ve done, even if you may not realize that you’ve done these things for me.
Maybe it’d be a happier world if we all told people when we appreciate something they’ve done. Simple acts of gesture seem to have the most impact on me. The ones that go unspoken, but start some of the most precious and powerful moments of triumph. I’m learning that today, and I can’t be the only one.
IM LAUGHING SO HARD AT BYZANTINE ART
THE FUCKIN BABYS FACE I CATN FUCKIN DO THIS
AND WHEN THE ANGEL GABRIEL COMES TO TELL MARY THAT SHE’S PREGNANT WITH JESUS
MARY’S FACE HAHA
“god fuking d am it gabe can we not”
don’t give me your sass i’m just the fucking messenger
In retrospect, I’ve had walls built up that I never have taken down. There are some things I’ve learned to open up about, like my dark past and the times that I’ve struggled to be okay. I think with time, and by talking about it to other people, I became comfortable talking about myself more. I gave myself a positive light and had a message with what I was saying, so it was easy for me to take some of my walls down. Still, there are things I have walls built up that I haven’t taken down before. Things like thoughts I’ve had, dark stories that I never shared because I never believed that anyone could understand why I feel the way I do.
Last night, sitting in a car with someone, I was able to open up. With my heart racing, my eyes feeling heavy and warm, I opened my mouth and my heart. I told him how I’ve felt so dark. I told him how I’m not suicidal, but after being told by multiple people that the people who I believe care about me wouldn’t truly miss me like I miss my cousin, I’ve always wondered if they were right. If I really am a good person. I told him how I want to believe that I’m a good person but when so many close people say the same thing, I have to wonder why they have that in common. I cried. I don’t cry in front of people often, especially not because of the words I’m saying. But I let myself cry in front of him. He teared up listening to me but reassured me. He made me believe that the words that I’ve been told, the ones full of hate, aren’t true. And for the first time in a long time, most likely forever, i have that person in my life that I can talk to about anything and now, everything. I’m not afraid of judgment from him. I’m willing to talk about this now because I know I’m not alone and won’t always be rejected for these thoughts and feelings I’ve had.
If there was a moral in sharing this post, I think it’s that you can open up. Even if you’re afraid, then do it scared. There are people who will understand and love you still, unconditionally. You need to try it every now and then to find that person.
why celsius/centigrade is better than fahrenehenheit
- easier to spell
- all water below 0 is ice. easy and logical
- all water above 100 is steam. easy and logical
- if it’s 1 degree outside one day and 10 degrees the next you can literally say it’s 10x warmer and you aren’t even exaggerating
why farhenininheniehenhet is better than centigrate/celsius
- it isn’t